Gangs kill 20 people in just one week

Satire Sunday: Gang deaths continue unabated. Isn't it about time society did something?

Gangs kill 20 people in just one week
Photo by Maxim Hopman / Unsplash

Sunday, 11 February – Police reported that 20 New Zealanders had lost their lives to gangs in the last week, in a tragedy that's now all too familiar to exhausted New Zealanders.

"In the last week alone, 5555 people were harmed by gangs. 222 were hospitalised with gang-related injuries, and an average of 3 people a day were murdered by gangs," said New Zealand Police spokesperson, Eustace Pidemio-Logist. Most of the victims were over 50, he said. "This brutality is ripping apart families. It's robbing children of mothers, fathers, grandparents. It has to stop."

Police complained that despite the solution to gangs being relatively straightforward, they were being denied the ability to take action.

However, politicians have refused to help, all but ignoring the violence that has killed 3788 New Zealanders since the gang warfare began in earnest. An early crackdown on gangs was credited with saving tens of thousands of lives, but political effort to stem the carnage has all but vanished in recent years.

"The fact is, gangs kill people, going forward," said Prime Minister Christopher Luxon. "At the end of the day this great company – sorry, I mean country – has to learn to live with gangs. That's our one key metric. NZ Inc is at capacity, but we have to cut to grow."

When challenged that it seemed to be less about living with gangs than dying with gangs, given the appalling, ongoing death-toll, the Prime Minister made word-sounds with his mouth.

"Let's circle back and reach out to check in on learnings. I used to run an airline," the Prime Minister said, while walking rapidly backwards.

Gang skeptics have also weighed in, opining that no-one is ever actually killed by gangs, and that gangs don't really exist.

"Everyone is saying that people died of gangs, or died with gangs, or something," warbled a woman wearing a sarong, Crocs, and blonde dreadlocks, during a video she filmed while driving in heavy traffic. "But everyone knows it's really Bill Gates that killed them."

The video went on to suggest that gang violence was actually a conspiracy created by criminologists, in order to profit from "those sweet, sweet research dollars. Literal tens of research dollars. I've had enough of all these experts, with all their several dollars." The video ended abruptly with the phone seemingly dropped, accompanied by a loud crunching sound. It had over eleven million views on TikTok.

In contrast, actual gang experts say the ongoing death toll from gangs is unacceptable. What is needed, the say, is for politicians to commit to effective security.

"Mass gang activity is quite easy to prevent," said criminologist Susie Smart. "The main thing that needs to be done is install air purifiers in buildings that regularly host large numbers of people, like schools and hospitals. Gang members are typically too large to fit through a HEPA filter."

Leaders needed to be willing to take action to prevent gang violence, the criminologist said, but it appeared that politicians preferred to ignore gangs altogether.

Individuals could not do much to avoid gang warfare, she added.

"Just make sure your anti-gang patches are up to date, wear a mask anywhere there are large numbers of people – and pray, if you're so inclined."

Ms Smart thanked this journalist for their efforts to rename "Covid-19" to "gangs."

"If actual gangs were really killing 20 people a week and disabling tens of thousands every year, something might get done," she said, with a brave smile. "Gangs kill far fewer Kiwis than Covid, by oh, about an order of magnitude. But for some reason, that doesn't seem to matter."